Mike and Amy Schlup
By Mikaela Pannell
The Fourth Commandment says to “honor your father and your mother.” Easy enough to understand regarding young kids, right? Obey and respect your parents. What about once you’re an adult and married? How are you supposed to follow the Fourth Commandment then? As parents get older, honoring them looks different than it did when you were a little kid living under their roof.
Luckily, the Catechism of the Catholic Church sheds
more light on the subject. In paragraph 2218, it says:
“The Fourth Commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness or distress.”
Of course, this is to be followed in light of one’s state of life.
As married persons, your first duty is toward your spouse, and then toward any children you may have. Responsibilities toward your family of origin come only after those duties are fulfilled.
Care varies by needs
Mike and Amy Schlup are no strangers to this balance of responsibility. They live in Hudson and are parishioners at Holy Spirit Parish in Sioux Falls. Amy’s mom passed away about three and a half years ago, and her dad lives in a nursing home in White Lake. Mike’s dad passed away 11 years ago, and his mom is living independently in Hudson. They have experienced the journey of aging parents through various stages, while also personally living out the vocation of married life.
Both Mike and Amy have two siblings each, so they all share the responsibilities of taking care of their parents. Since Mike’s mother is living independently, taking care of her is more about helping out “doing things my mom maybe can’t, whether it’s the normal outside stuff, if it’s fixing something. … And keeping her involved with the different family, getting together.”
He added, “Tracking or helping with their financials or their medical needs (appointments, medications). That type of stuff can come into play for someone taking care of an aging parent.”
Aging can be a lonely journey, especially for widowed parents. Ensuring they are included in family functions and spending time with them are ways to honor them along the way.
Every family structure is different, so assisting aging parents should be tailored to one’s family dynamics. Families with several children and grandchildren in the area can be physically present in caring for elderly family members, whereas family living far away may need to use video chats, phone calls or help monetarily.
For a parent living in a nursing home, especially if there is cognitive or physical decline, Amy explained that honoring them might mean being their advocate.
“Caring for Dad now is he lives in the nursing home in White Lake, so just being his advocate,” Amy said. “Really from being able to ask good questions and to get to know the staff of the nursing home and the residents of the nursing home. And Dad’s nonverbal, so he’s not even able to really communicate for himself at all anymore.”
When a parent passes away, there are other responsibilities children have toward their parents. After their mom’s unexpected passing only four months after moving their dad into the nursing home, Amy and her sisters had to make lots of decisions regarding her parents’ items and property because their dad was unable to due to dementia.
“I think that’s the blessing of this story,” Amy said. “I have two sisters, and we are really a team, being able to tag team all of the things that go with aging parents.” She recalled how one of her sisters did a great job taking care of the administrative tasks after their mom passed away, which was a silent (yet important) way of honoring them.
Fitting care into life
Amy and her sisters make every effort to ensure that at least one of them is there with their dad every weekend. This can present a challenge, though, because Amy and all of her sisters are married.
“It’s a fine balance, right? You have to take care of your family first, in addition to being aware of what’s going on with your parents,” Amy said. “ It’s not an either/or, but a both.”
This is something the Schlups have had to talk about. “We have tough conversations,” she acknowledged, “but it’s more this mutual respect and just knowing that, at this moment in our lives, there are people outside of our marriage that need care. And because we don’t have children, there’s a little more flexibility in our schedule and so sometimes that’s the sacrifice. And it’s both [being] willing to do what needs to be done.”
Rather than seeing this as a burden, as many people do nowadays, the Schlups have chosen to see caring for their parents as a blessing and an honor. They just make sure to do it in a way that also honors their marriage.
As a married couple, Amy pointed out that she and Mike have been able to lean into “the strengths and the graces that come from that sacrament.” This gift allows them to serve each other and their parents well.
Recalling 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 has been a comfort to them, in addition to looking toward the Holy Family. “Mary and Joseph didn’t have the easiest gig caring for Jesus!” Amy pointed out.
Amy said watching her parents age had a big impact on their marriage, seeing how truly intertwined their lives were after having been married over 50 years. She remembers how her mom would set a place at the table for her dad after he had moved into the nursing home, hoping that he’d return home to her eventually.
“It was this intense opportunity to see the love that my mom had for Dad.” Allowing her parents’ witness of marital love to permeate into their own marriage has been a blessing amid the challenge.
Caring for aging parents isn’t always easy. Communication is essential, as is being ready and willing to extend grace and understanding toward one another.
“Pray about it first,” Amy recommends. “‘Lord, what do you want me to see, what do you want me to be aware of?’ And then have good conversations. Going to parents, going to siblings.”
Mike added, “Find what your role will be, and don’t overextend yourselves.”
As in all things, God provides the strength to do what he asks.
