Children or spouse: Who comes first?

By Mikaela Pannell

The answer might surprise you. When asked this question, Dr. Chris Burgwald has a simple response: “Spouse.” He’s the director of discipleship formation for the diocese, and he and his wife Germaine have been married for 25 years and have five children.

Expanding, Chris explains, “For those who are married and have kids, I am first husband or wife and then father or mother … the fact that that’s the case doesn’t mean that I can ignore my kids in order to spend time with my spouse, but it does mean that in how I live my life, I need to make sure I am prioritizing my spouse. Period.”

He references biblical support for this, found in Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” As he points out, it doesn’t say that man and woman cling to their children, rather they cling to each other. Additionally, he brings up that “the marital covenant is between husband and wife, not between parent and child.” This emphasizes the bond between spouses, which requires that it be the top relational priority in life.

Aren’t kids’ needs important?

None of this is to say that children’s needs should be ignored. As parents, it’s of course our duty and responsibility to care for our children well. But that needn’t come at the cost of our marriage.

“My kids have a right to my time and attention,” Chris says. “Nonetheless, my spouse has a greater right to my time and attention.”

Putting your spouse first can seem to be off-putting for kids at times, especially in the developmental stages where they are naturally more egocentric. Actually, it’s a great opportunity for them to learn selflessness, and to observe the proper order of the family.

“There’s a teaching opportunity for the kids, as well,” Chris says. “It’s important for Mom and Dad to talk to each other … They learned that we prioritized each other in us doing that.”

Besides learning to put others’ needs before their own, it gives kids the opportunity to cultivate patience and self sufficiency. Chris describes times where his children wanted to play with him right after getting home from work, but he’d explain to them that play would need to happen after he spent time with his wife.

“Making clear that it’s not instead of; I’m doing this first. And so I think that’s actually good for kids to learn. This is the proper ordering of family life,” he explains.

Chris recalls when he was a young unmarried adult, Father Jim Mason (a seminarian at the time) told him about his experience watching his parents prioritize each other. When Father Mason was growing up, his dad would greet his wife first, then turn his attention to their kids after that. This example had a profound impact on Chris, shaping how he and Germaine prioritize each other.

Intentionality in prioritizing

Depending on the ages and stages of life your children are in, there may not be much opportunity for actual “alone time” with your spouse. The Burgwalds have experienced this at various points throughout their years of marriage. So, couples adapt. He and Germaine make sure to get quality time after the end of his work day, even though they aren’t necessarily alone when it occurs. The point is to make sure that it actually is quality time.

“We don’t necessarily shoo the kids out of the room, sometimes they’re there,” Chris said. “But we do make sure that it’s largely uninterrupted time.”

He also stresses quality encounters with your spouse need to be a regular occurrence. “I think it’s important that we regularly make time for our spouse.” That may look like date nights, talking to each other about your day after you get home from work, watching and discussing a designated show or movie, or doing a book or Bible study together when the kids are in bed.

It’s dangerously easy to slip into complacency within marriage. Chris highlights the importance of intentionality to combat this. “Everything in life that’s important, we should be intentional about doing.” Doing self reflection in this area is a smart practice to get into. “I think it’s a good thing on a regular basis to check myself.” He likens this practice to the Examen (going over your day and reflecting where God was present).

It often happens where couples end up, purposely or not, prioritizing their children over their spouse. “This is a common thing,” Chris says. “Kids come along and they get a lot of our attention. And we raise them and then they leave, and then we’re with our spouse, and we forget how to be with just our spouse. A lot of marriage difficulties have arisen because spouses have not prioritized time with each other, so when the kids are gone, now there’s a void there because we’ve allowed the kids to sort of come between us and our spouse.”

This isn’t a marital death sentence, but it is an avoidable situation. It starts with awareness, and, of course, intentionality.

If you realize that your life is not properly ordered, or that you’re “coasting” in your marriage, go back to the basics. Lovingly bring it up to your spouse. Re-prioritize together. Chris suggests looking back and remembering why you got married in the first place.

“What do we have together besides the kids?” he says. “Because they will be gone … There was something that drew us together to begin with … It’s good to remember those things and to cultivate those interests, and other ones that might arise. Obviously, our children are the most important thing flowing from our relationship, but they’re not the only thing that flows from our relationship, or flowed into our relationship.”

Through the marriage sacrament, we are given the graces necessary to live our vocation, helping us to love each other well.

Mikaela Pannell is a freelance writer and a parishioner at St. Therese Parish in Sioux Falls, where she serves as a lector. She is married with two young children.