By Heidi Comes
The discovery process of another’s heart is a beautiful part of dating. Learning about someone’s unique traits, qualities and dreams is all part of the growing intimacy that naturally occurs while dating. Long conversations on the phone, uninterrupted hours spent talking, and valuable time together prepare for the possibility of marriage. This time serves as an essential heart growth to receive another better.
In this time of discovery, we also learn many things about ourselves.
Through constant conversation with Christ in prayer and frequenting the sacraments, our eyes and heart are opened to the areas God is working to shape us into the best version of ourselves. As Christians, our most intimate relationship should be with Jesus. Through that relationship, all other aspects of our individual person are shaped. Our time spent in prayer and receiving the Eucharist deepens our relationship with our Creator and lover of our soul. Through these encounters, we are formed into the person God wants us to be.
One of the temptations in dating is identifying as a “couple” too quickly. In the excitement of finding someone who is enjoyable to spend time with and let’s face it, who tolerates us in return, we often jump right into our shared identity as a couple and inadvertently neglect our growth as an individual. We become concerned with how we can be what another person needs.
Or, we pour our energy into fixing things about them to better suit our tastes. And while there is nothing wrong with wanting to encourage someone to be the best version of themselves, it is God and God alone who can change hearts.
Although dating leads us to be accountable to another or encourages us to put someone before ourselves, it is not a time to begin acting as though we are already married, a common pitfall in modern dating relationships. Maintaining a healthy sense of autonomy is key to maintaining a healthy perspective while dating.
One of the beautiful differences between dating and marriage is the formation of the individual versus the formation of two who have become one. The Sacrament of Matrimony is sacred. The Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us that it is through marriage that man and woman can “imitate God’s generosity and fecundity in that they become one.” Sacred Scripture tells us in the Gospel of Mark 10:7-9, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”
They become one flesh. The formation of an individual ceases and the formation of the two who have become one begins.
In marriage, every improvement we make to ourselves also improves another, and every failure or shortcoming is felt by both. Despite the cultural view that marriage is a 50/50, give-and-take relationship, the Church teaches us that marriage is fully and totally sacrificial. Our decisions, our dreams, our hobbies and our other relationships all become a shared experience. There isn’t “his” or “hers” in marriage. Two become one. “Me” is replaced by “we.”
The grace bestowed in the Sacrament of Matrimony is no joke. It is the glue that holds a marriage together and allows bumps in the road to be learning tools, not catastrophic accidents.
Nothing is lost in this union. Everything is completed.
The formation of the couple doesn’t eliminate the uniqueness of each one of them as individuals; instead, the union of their hearts, and the becoming one flesh, gives space for God to create something spectacular. (It usually takes about nine months for that bit of magic to arrive.)
Some advice for couples who are still in the early stages of dating and growing in relationship with one another is to continue seeking the face of Jesus and asking him how he can transform your heart to be all he wants you to be in preparation for whatever vocation or individual he has in mind for you. Resist the temptation to ask God to change someone else.
Trust him with your heart. He knows it better than you do.
