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By Katie Eskro
“I’ve recently become very involved in my faith, my prayer life has grown, and I want to share the joy I’ve felt having this deeper relationship with Christ. My spouse doesn’t seem interested in going deeper with me, and it’s put some strain on our marriage because I want to talk about it a lot. How can I get him to see the joy and join me on this journey?”
Jim and Ellen Kramp, parishioners at St. Mary Parish in Aberdeen, are no strangers to this question and dilemma, and their story sheds light on this difficult and often painful situation. Ellen fell away from her Catholic faith while in college. After marriage and starting a family, she had a desire to have her children baptized in the Church, and from there, a deeper desire to embrace the faith was born in her heart.
“I was thirsty for knowledge, and I longed for intimacy with Jesus,” Ellen said. Since then, Ellen has sought out and taken advantage of every opportunity possible to partake in educating herself in the faith and building a stronger prayer life.
Her husband, Jim, has not shared her enthusiasm. Ellen says that at first when she rediscovered her faith, she really wanted Jim to share the experience with her. “I wanted him to be on fire for the Lord like I am,” she said.
Ellen has learned over the years that oversharing her experiences and trying to pull Jim along with her has not only not helped Jim, but it’s also caused frustration on her part. She has learned firsthand that trying to talk him into a deeper intimacy with God was not of benefit to Jim’s faith or their marriage. “I have learned that I cannot make him have faith; he has his own journey, his own path to truth,” said Ellen.
Jim has noted this change and agrees that Ellen has given him the space and time to grow in his own time and discover for himself what it means to be close to God. “I have not felt pushed by Ellen and I feel free to find my faith on my own,” Jim said. “I appreciate what she shares with me about the faith to help me discover my own way.”
At the beginning of someone’s faith deepening, it is natural and good to joyfully share with those closest to us what is happening. Growing closer to Jesus affects us deeply, and we would be remiss to not want to tell our spouse what we are experiencing.
Father Kristopher Cowles, vicar for hispanic ministry and parochial vicar for St. John the Baptist Pastorate, says couples should share deep thoughts, feelings and desires within their relationship, but that one should be cautious and thoughtful about what they choose to divulge.
“Sharing what you love is an important part of any friendship and especially marriage,” Father Cowles said, “but like with so many other topics, discern the situation with the guidance of the Holy Spirit as to how and when to share your experiences. We need to invite them rather than pull, push, drag, nag or insist against their will. Having an open mind and heart in conversations, [even] in which there are apparent differences, will always be important.”
Sharing our experiences and what we are going through, even if our spouses don’t quite agree or understand fully, can bring “intimacy and a union of mind and heart,” Father Cowles said. However, trying to tell our loved one that they need to change like we are changing infringes on their own path of freely choosing to follow Jesus and his Church more closely. And unless a person freely chooses, it is not a true conversion.
Sometimes oversharing and pushing our loved ones can even have the opposite effect we are hoping for. Often it’s not the people closest to someone who disciple them. Usually, our spouse’s path to truth and God is going to be different than ours. Father Cowles reminds couples to be mindful to “remember that we also struggled to follow Jesus faithfully and that our conversion is a gift that we did not merit.”
All of this speaks to the reality that a spouse’s role in encouraging their husband or wife to engage more deeply in their faith often looks like sharing exciting experiences through using “I” statements and steering clear of “you” statements, i.e. trying to tell our spouse what they should do in this area of their life.
For example, a spouse who goes on a religious retreat will likely come home on a retreat high and want to divulge to their spouse the exciting experiences they had. They might say: “I loved this retreat so much. I felt so close to Jesus. I want to try and fit more prayer and silence into my life.” This will likely be well-received by their spouse.
On the other hand, if the person who went on the retreat adds in something like, “You should go on a retreat. You would love it and learn so much; it could help you a lot,” they may be getting into territory that sounds a lot more like telling their spouse they aren’t trying hard enough or aren’t good enough.
If a spouse does want to encourage their loved one to grow in the faith, there are many ways they can do that without using “you” statements that may just lead to defensiveness, and instead can build intimacy and trust in a relationship.
Here are five ways you can support your spouse and build intimacy and trust in sharing about your faith journey without sounding condescending:
- Ask your spouse basic questions about how their day was and their life; then listen. Be empathetic without trying to fix their problems or trying to talk them out of perhaps a bad or challenging day or experience. Celebrate their positive stories without adding any critiques. This may seem unimportant, but these interactions build the foundation for a strong relationship and a marriage built on trust and mutual respect. Make time for these basic conversations just about the ins and outs of your life together.
- Don’t pretend you’re perfect now because you are closer to God. Say you’re sorry when you mess up (you will; we all do). Ask forgiveness, ask how you can make it up to them, and follow through on what they might ask, if it’s reasonable.
- Invite without trying to tell them what to do. For example, if your spouse doesn’t attend Mass every Sunday with you, keep inviting them periodically. You can even use “I” statements like: “I love going to Mass with you. I feel so close to you when we’re at Mass together.” But steer clear from telling them it’s a mortal sin not to go to Mass, or getting exasperated with their choice to stay home.
- Pray for your spouse. This is as much for you as it is for your spouse. Do you know who loves your spouse even more than you do? God does. Praying for your spouse not only can help them to be more open to God’s grace, it’s your reminder that God is in control and he has a plan. He will never give up on pursuing your spouse. Don’t get in his way. Let his plan play out.
- Lastly, and this goes for everyone regardless of their spouse’s faith journey, invest in friendship with people who inspire you and who you trust. These friends can be a safe place to share all your experiences and to vent as needed about your frustrations.
All of this takes time and work. If you put the work in, and allow your spouse to freely move, you can find hope and peace regardless of how your paths unfold. At this point in Jim and Ellen’s relationship, Ellen said: “I share most of my journey with Jim. He’s supportive of my journey, always encouraging me to talk to God or asking me if I’ve prayed about something when it’s bothering me.”
The Kramp’s don’t always agree, but they do respect each other’s journey. “[Jim] doesn’t always agree when I share things about Catholic pedagogy or doctrine, but he engages in active conversations with me,” Ellen said.
For Jim, he is happy and excited to witness Ellen’s journey. “We are both still learning each day,” he said. “I appreciate her support and grace, and I hope that I do the same for her.”
Katie Eskro is a member of Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Aberdeen where she works as coordinator of Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. She has a degree in journalism and is pursuing a master’s degree in philosophy.
