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By Lois Heron
… Some seed fell on the path and was trampled, and the birds of the sky ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky ground, and when it grew, it withered for lack of moisture. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew with it and choked it.
~St. Luke 8:6-7
What do we do when our adolescents’ faith in God seems overcome by the cares of the world? As hard as it is to acknowledge, we can’t control the when and how of our child’s wholehearted engagement with their faith in the Lord, but we can help them recognize threats to the core beliefs of Christianity when they come. From a very young age, we teach our children rules to keep them safe: Don’t put your hand in the fire … don’t walk in the middle of the street. Shouldn’t we teach our children God’s rules for their safety?
We find this much easier to do when our children are young, but when our children reach the age of reason, a tonal adjustment is needed. The way we can do that is by lining their path with opportunities that strengthen the roots of a virtuous life, which we have discussed at length in this column. In this article, we will consider some ways to cooperate with our adolescents’ natural desire for independence while adhering to the Catholic worldview.
Father Sebastian Walshe states that from the beginning, we have been warned to keep a distance from worldly culture (Acts 2:40). “Some parents think this means circling the wagons and keeping their children from any contact with the world outside their family,” he says. “But although this might be necessary in some extreme cases, it comes with collateral damage: stunted psychic and spiritual maturity. Human beings are naturally social animals, and so we can only find our full perfection in the context of a society larger than the family. The challenge for most Catholic parents is how to simultaneously protect their children from the harmful influences of the corruption present in society while exposing them to the necessary goods that only a society can bring.”
As mentioned in the last article, he follows the principle that the human heart cannot live in a vacuum. “If you take away something from [an adolescent] that they consider to be good, their heart will seek something to fill the void.”
The virtuous life consists of more than just avoiding evil; it is first and foremost about being good, not only for the sake of saving us from punishment, but also for the sake of one’s true happiness. Father Sebastian makes the point that the First Commandment does not start with “you shall not,” but rather, “you shall love.” Jesus taught us how to say “yes” to love, especially in the Beatitudes (the way of love and true happiness). When we encourage saying yes to love and true happiness, our adolescents are less apt to strive to experience the voids that are typical for their peers. Let’s consider the often thorny areas of media, harmful friendships and romantic relationships where we must be most vigilant in teaching our adolescents to take responsibility for their happiness.
Media influence
We have overprotected children in the real world and underprotected them in the virtual world.
~Jonathan Haidt
Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist and author of “The Anxious Generation,” purports that in recent years there has been “a great rewiring of childhood” that has caused a dramatic uptick in anxiety and depression. There are social and neurological “thorns” that have the common denominator of a “phone-based culture.” You may even recognize some of the effects of these thorns in your own life if you are attached at the hip to the phone-based culture: sleep deprivation, attention fragmentation, addiction, loneliness, social comparison, perfectionism and withdrawal.
The very nature of social media promotes discontent, and when we are discontent with who we are, we tend to follow the Pied Piper of false promises and deceptions from the culture around us. Social platforms are not foundations; platforms aren’t built to stand the test of time, and they are susceptible to environmental changes. We cannot stand by and allow our children to be influenced by whatever agenda social media is currently promoting. It is astounding that some of us find it easier to play down or ignore the potential threats of standing on rickety platforms than to go toe-to-toe with a recalcitrant adolescent.
It is challenging if we, as parents, allow social media to consume our time and energy. So how do we live in social media and not of social media? Here are some questions and tips we have gathered from the countless sources that are encouraging parents to step away from a heavy media influence for the sake of their children’s well-being.
Is there a familial camaraderie, a social influence, in our homes that promotes the good life of a Catholic worldview? Do we diligently reinforce by ordering our lives by it? When we hang out together, what do we do to edify each other? Many parents find it helpful to designate a time each day when social media and watching television are not allowed (preferably only a few hours). A good way to get started on this approach is to compare the current expenditure of online time with offline time investment. Once you have calculated that ledger, ask the Holy Spirit to counsel you in the will of the Father for your family. Ask him to open your eyes to see his beautiful desire for your family. Prepare yourself to recognize that disordered media use is not a beautiful desire for us any more than the vices of idolatry, gluttony and greed.
When the Lord was calling his people away from the idols of their time, he reminded them that he was waiting to be gracious to them if only they would cry out to him. He said he would be their teacher and they would “hear a word behind [them]: ‘This is the way; walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or the left” (Is 30:21). He is calling us to do the same!
Harmful friendships and romantic relationships
Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts
good character.’
~1 Cor 15:33
How do we protect our adolescents’ relationships with others without creating a protective bubble that would stunt their emotional and mental maturity? Yes, we desire them to be agents of goodness and integrity in their circle of influence, but they are especially prone to errors in judgment in this phase of their development. We must be vigilant in helping our adolescents take responsibility for shooing away the birds and clearing the soil of their lives of weeds and rocks. There are resources worthy of our attention that can assist us in doing that well, but hands down, the ultimate resource is the power of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives. As we stated above, when we cooperate with the Lord’s desires for us, he grants us insight into the best way to navigate the uniqueness of each of our children. We want them to be strong enough to stand against any pressure that runs counter to the moral teachings of Scripture.
Encourage one another and build one another up.
~1 Thes 5:11
An excellent question for everyone to measure all relationships by is St. Paul’s counsel to the believers in Thessalonica. When we set it as a rule to live by, the Holy Spirit of God leads us into circumspection that promotes mercy, courage and peace with others. We can train our children from the earliest age that we are created to be agents of Christ who edify the corner of the world we live in.
Here are some questions you can use as you guide your adolescent in their expanding relationships: Does being with this person encourage you to be a better person? What patterns of thought and deed are you learning from them? Does this relationship promote virtue in your life?
Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on these things.
~Phil 4:8-9
Choosing virtue never diminishes who we are, but choosing vice always does. When a child is in any relationship, a good question to ask them is, “When you are with so and so, are your decisions on what to do or talk about honorable, commendable?” These friendship principles also apply to the second relationship in which we need to be most vigilant to guard our adolescents. Space does not allow us to delve into all the good counsel available on romantic relationships. Active engagement with our adolescents in their romantic relationships, necessary parental control, and above all, intercessory prayer for them combine to form a protective shield around them. Do not underestimate your effectiveness in each of these areas.
Holy Spirit, fortify my adolescent with the grace of your Holy Spirit and give your peace to their soul that they may be free from all needless anxiety, harmful compromise, and vice. Please help them to desire always that which is pleasing and acceptable to you so that your will may be their will. Please grant me the resolve to stay in the fight for their soul as they are confronted by the enemies that would steal their souls. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
~Amen
(Adapted Invocation of the Holy Spirit)
Lois Heron is a Catholic writer and retired educator.
