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By Katie Eskro
If you’ve gone to very many Catholic weddings, more than likely you have heard in a homily that the primary aim of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven. But what does this actually mean? If left in those words alone, this missive can be ambiguous and even damaging to a relationship, disorienting the lines between where one person begins and ends and forgetting the free will we all have as humans.
Abby Cogley, member of St. Mary Parish in Aberdeen and married to husband, Tom, for 18 years, says, “It’s impossible to get ourselves to heaven, so I don’t know how it can be our job to get anyone else to heaven. Only God can do that. Therefore we most certainly cannot get our spouse to heaven.”
Of course, theologians and priests would agree on a basic level. So, what does the inspiring imperative “the end of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven” truly mean?
Right relationship is the key
For Abby, the journey toward heaven with her spouse begins in working on “right relationship.” Right relationship can only happen when we are first aware of ourselves and our shortcomings, and when we allow our relationships with others to sanctify us. After experiencing challenges in her own marriage in which priest friends and Christian friends alike walked with Abby and her husband toward marital health, Abby has firsthand knowledge and experience in the importance of living right relationship in a marriage.
“Right relationship requires seeing myself and the other person in every exchange,” Abby says. “We [want] to learn right relationship where we can see not only the dignity of our spouse, but also the dignity of ourselves in this unique and beautiful relationship where love can be freely given and exchanged.” Right relationship lays the groundwork for a holy life and a holy marriage.
“I used to pray for a holy marriage and for the sanctification of marriage,” Abby says. “I now understand that I had it backwards. Our marriage is to sanctify us. It’s through marriage that we are sanctified by dying daily to our ego, which wants us to be victor or victim in relation to someone else.”
A spousal relationship helps us journey toward God because as we live, love and grow side-by-side with our spouse, our shortcomings and weaknesses are constantly coming to the forefront. Close relationships have a way of exposing us to ourselves, and this self-confrontation with ourselves gives us the opportunity to invite God into the places we need healing and wholeness only he can give.
“God calls each of us to a unique journey and primarily uses relationships to reveal ourselves to us,” Abby says. “It is important to work on our own downfalls because it’s the only thing God is calling us to do. We cannot work on other people’s shortcomings. We can, however, allow other people’s shortcomings to teach us about ourselves.”
Marriage provides us with a singular opportunity to be refined, often in a painful and long, but incredibly fruitful way. It’s uncomfortable and if we allow it, it makes us vulnerable. This vulnerability can become our strength if we accept ourselves for where we are, allow our spouse to see us for who we are, and through prayer and the sacraments, take the steps God is inviting us to on the path of holiness.
Simultaneously, our spouse may be inspired by our actions and movements, but we must be cautious about pushing or forcing an image of holiness onto our spouse. We are only responsible for our actions and our growth, and they are responsible for theirs. Often if we find ourselves more invested and interested in the growth we think our spouse needs, it is a sign of us turning a blind eye to our own weaknesses and need for God.
Respecting the dignity and freedom of the other
When faced with the shortcomings of our spouse, “we should first consider our role and how their shortcomings and weaknesses affect us,” Abby says. Our response to our spouse’s weaknesses shows us much about ourselves. “We need to hold ourselves responsible for our responses to their shortcomings and weaknesses,” Abby continues. “I cannot justify and deflect my poor behavior because of their behavior.”
For Tom and Abby, healthy lines of communication are essential for practicing this in their marriage. They do this by trying to “foster a safe space for growth within [their] marriage by keeping lines of communication open and respectful.” This does not mean that they always agree or see eye-to-eye. But they attempt to remain open to the other’s thoughts, ideas and opinions and equally share their own.
Though we are not meant to take the reins on fixing our spouse or pushing them closer to God, through living right relationship, we can keep our marriage healthy and solid, building a foundation for trust and intimacy. If we are living this, when we are confronted with a vice of our spouse, we can support them toward growth in a healthy way.
“In order to encourage my spouse to grow in these areas, I must first consider my role,” Abby says. “My role is to first stay focused on God, to stay centered on his will for me. When I am centered emotionally and spiritually and I feel that my spouse is moving away from God’s will for him, with charity and mutual respect, I gently encourage my spouse to consider his actions and how they affect others.”
In this way, Abby feels that her role is to build up her husband while not forgetting her own path toward growth and holiness. Remembering our poverty and powerlessness in the face of our spouse’s difficulties can help us to support them lovingly without participating in their weakness or being overly invested in them changing or fixing things on our timeline.
“We can allow natural consequences to be experienced, as painful as they may be to watch and allow to unfold with our loved ones,” Abby says. “We can practice patience as long as we know our own boundaries and are honest with ourselves about them.”
“Ultimately,” Abby says, marriage should lead us to “heaven by drawing us closer to Christ through ordinary daily movements and sanctifying us by teaching right relationship through Christ incarnate.”
Katie Eskro is a member of Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Aberdeen, where she works as the coordinator of Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. She has a degree in journalism and is pursuing a master’s in philosophy.
