By Mikaela Pannell
One would be hard pressed to find a family who didn’t have some sort of conflict about holiday gatherings. Intensity might vary from year to year, but nearly every couple will need to make difficult decisions around where and with whom to spend the holidays spanning from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Eve. In these situations, it is important to make these decisions through a lens of faithfulness and love.
Spike and Robyn Bruggeman, parishioners at St. Therese Parish in Sioux Falls, are no strangers to navigating multiple holiday timelines. They have seven children (three of whom are married) and three grandchildren. When it comes to advising couples regarding holiday attendance, Spike jokingly quips, “See who’s having the best food.”
Of course, they say the first priority is getting to Mass and the sacraments; this is particularly true when it comes to holy days (Christmas and Mary Mother of God). But bringing Christ into all holidays is important, too. For example, many pastorates offer Thanksgiving Day Mass, which can be a great way to start the holiday with a mind-set of thankfulness.
Finding balance
When it comes to families where both sides are within reasonable distance, it can be both a blessing and a challenge because everyone may feel entitled to time together. Robyn advises, “It’s important for the younger married couple to talk about what’s important to them.” They need to communicate with each other first and, whatever the decision is, it should be made together as a couple.
There may be expectations or desires new spouses bring into their marriage that need to be expressed and talked about together before making a decision. In-laws may also have unvoiced expectations. Additionally, there may be an added level of complexity when there are divorced parents/grandparents involved, which can require more delicate discernment.
Prayer, discernment, communication and acknowledging priorities are all key to making charitable decisions. Without lots of communication, things can go downhill in a hurry.
“It just takes advanced planning to try to eliminate conflict,” Spike says. They suggest planning a couple of months ahead of time. “See who feels strongly about what time, and if it can be manipulated to coexist on the same day. … It just depends on how many moving parts there are.”
When looking at both sides of a couples’ extended family, Robyn points out that “there is probably a certain level of fairness, when looking at the whole year of celebrations.” Perhaps one year the husband’s side spends Christmas morning together, and the following year it’s the wife’s side. Or one side gets Thanksgiving and the other side gets New Year’s Eve. Again, it’s up to the individual couple to lovingly discuss aspects of the holidays and communicate it all charitably.
They really encourage the advanced planning to help alleviate disappointment and hurt feelings. “Ultimately, someone is going to be disappointed unless it’s planned out ahead of time to avoid it,” Spike says.
“If a person pre-plans (which we are not always the best pre-planners),
I can see where if you’ve figured
it out before the holidays come, then hopefully you’ve had time to accept what might not be happening at the time you want it to,” Robyn adds. “Then hopefully you’ve had time to kind of let it go or heal from that.
So when it does come time to celebrate, even if it’s on an off time, then hopefully you’re at a more peaceful place and it doesn’t affect your holiday.”
However, if necessary, Spike says that “maybe not going to either is even an option if there’s going to be hurt feelings on both ends.”
Change and flexibility
The Bruggemans do reflect that as their family has grown up and expanded to include in-laws and grandkids, they have had to let go of and adjust some traditions. The standard waking up to all kids being together on Christmas morning has given way to all their kids being together on a different morning after having all slept over. The pain of changing traditions gives way to beautiful new memories.
There also may be certain traditions where even though a couple may not be present in person, there can still be participation. Robyn shares how their son and daughter-in-law live in Texas, but still wanted to join in on creating the yearly Thankful Chain. “They weren’t back for Thanksgiving, but we still had them participate.” Last year, that meant mailing their Thankful Chain links back home in time to arrive for Thanksgiving, and FaceTiming to read them all together. Technology like FaceTime and other video chats are often an immense gift for families who live far away and are unable to be together in person.
Flexibility is also a good trait in decision-making. Robyn explains, “The other thing that has given me freedom is, yes it’s nice to celebrate Christmas on Christmas and Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving, but when it comes down to it, if it works better for everyone to gather and more will be present as a family unit on a different time celebrating that particular holiday, I think it’s better.” That can give all parties involved a level of freedom and peace.
Parents in particular tend to have stronger feelings about everyone being together, with less regard for the actual day that the gathering occurs. However, it’s also just as important for a couple’s faith and building their own traditions to be respected.
“It’s shifting to make sure that we get together with all of our kids and grandkids, and that is so important to us but is also equally important for us to know that they are establishing their own Domestic Church as well, so they have those traditions and special sheltered time … especially when it comes to faith traditions and holiday traditions,” she says.
Spike puts it simply: “Ultimately, it’s about worship, more than the gathering.” Keep that in mind, and everything else will work out the way it’s supposed to.
