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By Katie Eskro
The vocation of marriage comes with great blessing and also great struggle. For a couple embarking on the journey of engagement and marriage, there are roadblocks and growing pains as the two individuals discover what it means to share a life with another and, most especially, to share one’s whole self—the good and the areas that need growth—with their spouse.
There are many types of intimacy that a husband and wife get to share and need to cultivate, such as emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy and physical intimacy. One aspect of a couple’s relationship that may often be overlooked, but is no less important, is intellectual intimacy.
Intellectual intimacy is the sharing of deep thoughts and wonderings about one’s self, the world, God, etc. Intellectual intimacy is not just for the academic or philosopher; it is something that each person has a need for and that can only be met by a mutual sharing and receiving with another.
Keeping the mind healthy
Intellectual intimacy is something that has always been important to Mike and Susie Gutenkauf, parishioners of Sacred Heart Parish in Aberdeen. Mike and Susie have mentored couples in pre-Cana classes and Susie teaches the Creighton Model of natural family planning. In their premarital coaching, they have always taught that meeting each other’s intellectual needs is one of the ways to grow closer to your spouse and foster deeper love and intimacy.
“Often, emotional and physical connections get confused in relationships where there is little or no intellectual pursuit,” Mike says. If a couple is not learning and growing in their minds and sharing that with their spouse, it can hinder a couple’s growth. Fostering an intellectual connection can help a spouse to “see with different eyes the same situations,” Mike says, which helps to broaden one’s mind and be open to exploring different perspectives. This opening of the mind lays the foundation for being able to love someone who maybe thinks differently than you, or whose brain works a different way than yours.
In this way, fostering an intellectual connection can lay important groundwork for raising children who will all be different from each other. By learning how to have deep discussions with your spouse, you are also preparing your mind and heart to listen to your children and help them to ask good questions, ponder the world and life around them, and keep their minds alive and healthy.
Mike and Susie have four children between the ages of 16 and 23. Before they had children, it was easier to have deep conversations and to cultivate their minds individually and as a couple. It got harder after having kids.
“We used to have great communication,” Susie laughs, “and then we had kids.” Susie remembers after their oldest was born, the first time they got a baby-sitter and went out on a date and all they talked about was diapers and feedings.
Now that their youngest is a senior, they have more capacity to have intimate conversations again, but they note that it’s not because they’re less busy. It is something that has to be intentional and needs to happen at the right times.
Susie shares that sometimes she or Mike will want to have a discussion on a subject but the other just isn’t in the mood for it, and they will be honest about not wanting to have a deep discussion at the moment and the other person will respect that and allow them space.
Growing as an individual
Mike and Susie have found that growing intellectually often happens on one’s own, and then they will share what they learned or discovered when they feel inclined to. Oftentimes, they find that they will discuss news headlines. Both Mike and Susie also enjoy reading and will share with each other what is striking them from their current book, but not necessarily read the same exact books.
Mike and Susie think this type of connection is essential for a married couple. Everyone is called to expand their mind, whether through books, articles, podcasts, discussion with others, etc. A married couple can grow so much closer by sharing what they are discovering through these mediums, according to Mike and Susie.
At times, Mike and Susie will find a subject they do not agree on. Growing up, Mike was raised in an atmosphere in which it wasn’t okay to disagree, so they might just ignore those subjects. For Susie, she remembers having meals after church with family and friends and hearing the adults discuss hard topics that there were often disagreements on.
“I learned how to argue and talk but never have any hard feelings [when there were differences],” Susie says. In their relationship, Susie says they sometimes “agree to disagree, and then move along.”
They try not to allow their different ideals or thoughts to disrupt their companionship and relationship. Sometimes, this means they don’t discuss certain topics. Other times, they might continue to discuss but not with an attitude of trying to change the other person’s mind, but rather, to understand where they are coming from.
Mike and Susie believe that the intellectual side of someone isn’t separate from who they are. “It isn’t divided from the rest of the person,” Mike says. It is often something we don’t think about or goes by the wayside because we think of the intellectual life as something we are done with once we graduate from school. Mike and Susie stress that, in actuality, the intellect is something to be cultivated consistently.
One doesn’t have to read Aquinas or Plato to grow intellectually, but even reading the classics or following a wholesome podcast or blog that points to truth, beauty and goodness helps to cultivate the intellectual life. And it is a necessary and beautiful part of marriage to share all the ways we are growing and the things we are learning with our spouse, especially when they touch us in a deep way.
Katie Eskro is a member of Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Aberdeen, where she works as coordinator of Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. She has a degree in journalism and is pursuing a master’s degree in philosophy.
