AdobeStock_ by Joost
By Andrea Gibbs
In June of 1979, Pope St. John Paul II gave a series of speeches to the people of Poland, who had been living under decades of tyranny, saying, “You are not who ‘they’ say you are. Let me remind you who you really are.” John Paul II’s speeches were meant to help them recall their true identity in Christ.
This same sentiment can be applied to each of us individually today. Far too often, we allow the labels of others to overcome our awareness of being a beloved and worthy child of God.
Frequently, the most crushing of pointed labels comes from within dating relationships. When a relationship ends, it can leave a person carrying labels such as worthless, used, damaged or unworthy. In a trauma-filled or abusive relationship, the labels are often given by the significant other. In other scenarios, the labels are self-given as a person looks back with regret at their time in the relationship. Either way, the labels tend to feel heavy as the wounded desire to move on from their past.
Identity in Christ
Many of us have dealt with regrets from choices made in a dating relationship. We may have gone into the relationship with strong convictions and boundaries laid out, but in the end, things turned out completely different. It is often a slow fade of choices that leads to one small compromise and then another. Taking time for self-reflection on how you want to move forward is important, as well as reflecting on the truth that there is nothing you can ever do that will make Christ love you less.
Our Catholic Church is here for us to offer hope and healing. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is offered daily as is the Eucharist in Holy Mass. There is strength to be found in turning toward our heavenly Father to admit our wandering ways and to run back into his open arms.
Maggie Steffen, a clinical counselor at The Lourdes Center, shares how friendships can help in choosing to move forward in virtue. “Seeking life-giving and holy friendships is another source of healing God likes to use,” she says. “Having friends who are also striving for virtue gives us a space to practice and prioritize healthy communication, boundaries and self-worth.”
Seeking help
Whether it be a need to cope with individual regret or processing past trauma, seeking counseling and guidance can be both helpful and healing. There are many secular options available for psychological services online, and we are fortunate to have The Lourdes Center to offer a local Catholic experience of counseling services. Seeking help gives a person the tools they need to move forward as an individual first and eventually into a healthy relationship.
Trauma can come in many forms such as assault, violence or any form of abuse, such as sexual, verbal, mental or physical. Those dealing with any type of trauma need the space and time set apart to heal from their past experiences. According to the American Psychological Association, one of the long-term effects of trauma is strained relationships, which makes it even more crucial to process the past trauma rather than bury it.
According to Maggie, past trauma can interfere with moving forward into healthy relationships. “When an individual has experienced trauma, being in a healthy relationship can feel like a breath of fresh air, and it can feel completely foreign all at the same time.”
Maggie advocates for taking time to be single, to reflect and grow as an individual before beginning to date again. She suggests these areas to reflect on.
“Some common areas to be self-aware of when entering into a new relationship are: How do I communicate? What are my boundaries and how do I ensure they are respected? How well am I able to love myself?”
With these reflection areas in mind, a period of singleness gives space to find one’s identity in Christ first, before moving into a relationship again.
When regrets, sins or trauma feel overwhelming, we must first turn towards the Cross and remember Christ crucified and triumphant. Our woundedness is not greater than Christ’s triumph, and we must never be deceived into thinking so.
Pope St. John Paul II reminds us to not let the labels from others stick but instead to find first our identity as a beloved son or daughter of Christ. Whether we are dating or single, we are worthy of living lives that are healthy and filled with virtue.
