A silhouette of a happy young couple in a relationship, holding hands and talking as they walk outside at sunset.
By Sheila J. Simpson
In marriage preparation and in working with couples across the country, one pattern shows up again and again. It’s not a lack of love. It’s not a lack of commitment.
It’s the avoidance of one important conversation.
Not because couples don’t care, but because they don’t know how to begin.
THE CONVERSATION WE AVOID
Every couple has it. The topic that sits just beneath the surface: A concern that hasn’t been fully voiced, a difference that feels uncomfortable, a fear of how the other person might respond.
It might be something practical, like finances or expectations around work and family life. Or something more personal, like how conflict is handled, how affection is expressed, or how faith will be lived out together.
So instead of addressing it, we do what feels easier in the moment: We delay, we soften, we move on.
We tell ourselves: “Now isn’t the right time.” “It’s not that big of a deal.” “We’ll figure it out later.” But “later” has a way of becoming never.
WHY AVOIDING IT FEELS SAFER
Avoidance isn’t a failure; it’s often a form of protection. We avoid conversations because we don’t want to hurt the person we love, we fear conflict will damage the relationship, we’re unsure how to express what we really feel, or we worry we won’t be understood. So we choose peace over honesty.
And in the moment, that choice can feel loving. But over time, that kind of peace becomes fragile because it is built on what hasn’t been said.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON’T TALK
When important conversations are left unspoken, something begins to shift. Small misunderstandings grow. Assumptions replace clarity. Frustration builds quietly.
A couple may continue moving forward—planning a wedding, raising a family, sharing daily life—while something unresolved lingers beneath the surface. And often, they don’t realize what’s happening until the distance feels much larger than the original issue. Not because the relationship is weak, but because the conversation never happened.
WHAT A GOOD CONVERSATION LOOKS LIKE
Many people think a “good conversation” means: Saying everything perfectly, avoiding disagreement and reaching immediate resolution. But in reality, a good conversation looks much simpler. It begins with the courage to say: “This matters to me, and I want to share it with you.”
It continues with the willingness to listen—not to respond, but to understand. And it grows when both people stay present, even when it feels uncomfortable.
A good conversation is not about winning. It’s about seeing each other more clearly.
HOW TO BEGIN
Starting is often the hardest part.
You don’t need the perfect words.
You don’t need a perfect setting.
You simply need a beginning.
It can be as simple as: “There’s something I’ve been thinking about, and I’d like to talk about it with you.” Or, “This might be a little uncomfortable, but it’s important to me.”
Choose a time when you’re not rushed. Set aside distractions, and give each other the space to speak honestly. The goal is not to solve everything in one conversation.
The goal is to begin.
ONE CONVERSATION AT A TIME
Strong marriages are not built on avoiding difficulty. They are built on facing it together. Not all at once. Not perfectly.
But one conversation at a time.
Sheila J. Simpson is the executive director of FOCCUS® Marriage Ministries, a nonprofit organization founded in the Archdiocese of Omaha that serves dioceses and churches worldwide through marriage preparation and enrichment resources. She writes and speaks about the power of conversation to strengthen relationships.
