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By Heidi Comes
In a big Catholic family, your biggest cheerleaders are often also your biggest critics. Sibling relationships can be both brutal and sanctifying all at once. Years of growing up and maturing alongside brothers and sisters is one of the greatest preparations for relationships outside of the primary family unit.
There’s an expression, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” and while I’m not suggesting siblings should push us to the brink of death, they will certainly push us to our limits—both in good and challenging ways. Siblings test patience, expose pride and demand humility. In many ways, growing up in a big family offers a crash course in Christian virtue, whether we’re ready for it or not. And the result is often a more resilient human being.
Training ground for grace
Family life is far from perfect; imperfect parents are raising imperfect children. And while family love is meant to mirror the Father’s love (unconditional, filled with forgiveness and grace), it inevitably falls short. The major reason is that we are fallen humans—sinful and selfish. It is in the safety of a Christian family that we learn to forgive, sacrifice, seek wisdom and counsel, and grow alongside our imperfect family members.
Catholic author and theologian Dr. Scott Hahn suggests a family concept called “Day of Jubilee,” a time when children can share mistakes or struggles without fear of punishment or consequences. He describes these days as life-giving for a family because they demonstrate love and forgiveness in a safe environment, effectively bringing the confessional into the home.
Truth as a tool for growth
Having raised five children all close in age to one another, we have had our version (albeit far less holy) of this family dynamic. When all of the children were still at home and Lent was fast approaching, we would discuss what we should consider giving up as a family or individually. The kids often thought the best way to enlighten their siblings about what most needed to be offered as a Lenten sacrifice was to be brutally honest about the many areas they were lacking. While this remained more of a joke and dinner table discussion, it became clear that those who live with us day in and day out often see the areas we most need to surrender to God—usually much more clearly than we do ourselves.
While some may frown upon this kind of sibling interaction, even labeling it bullying, there is a great deal of truth to be found in the bluntness of family relationships.
The question we must ponder is this: Is it meanness or kindness to help lead our brothers and sisters closer to the best version of themselves?
Our kids were equally as quick to remind one another (and their parents) of the sins that needed confessing when preparing for Reconciliation. Often, they not so gently reminded us of the words shouted in anger, the mistruths spoken to a parent or teacher, the lack of patience, or a mountain of other sins witnessed in the safety of our home.
Parenting as a path to humility
Parenting strips away the illusions our younger pre-children selves may have once had. Children have an uncanny ability to reveal our inconsistencies, poke at our weaknesses, and watch for any crack in our noble exterior. That kind of exposure, while humbling, can be profoundly formative for both parent and child.
As parents, while our weaknesses and shortcomings are regularly exposed and laid bare each time our children push us to the limit or catch us off guard, these are opportunities to show the need to continually grow and seek forgiveness. It is a lifelong journey to be better tomorrow than we were today.
Acknowledging our frailty isn’t a sign of weakness; it is a source of great comfort to our children when they see us mess up, seek forgiveness and do better. It gives them the confidence that they are not loved for how they do or do not behave, but simply because they are God’s child and deserve forgiveness and grace.
Holy messiness
As Catholic parents, our mission isn’t to raise flawless children, but to create a home where Christ is the center, truth is spoken in love, and where grace and forgiveness freely flow. When we embrace both the challenges and the joys of family life, we are participating in something sacred—a daily dying to self and rising again in love. Holy Scripture in Proverbs 27:17 exhorts us by reminding us that “Iron is sharpened by iron; one person sharpens another.” No relationship does this more effectively than that of a sibling.
As parents, we realize that family life isn’t about achieving perfection but more about showing up, forgiving often and growing together in love. It is often in those uncomfortable truths spoken around the dinner table or the rough edges of sibling interactions where we see God’s refining work in our lives. It’s through and despite this messiness that we are molded into people capable of deep love, humility and resilience.
As St. Therese of Lisieux once said in “The Story of a Soul,” “Charity consists in bearing all with love …” (even our most annoying siblings). May our homes be places where the love of Christ is not only spoken, but lived, especially in the messy business of family life.
Heidi Comes is the director of campus ministry for Dakota State University and the high school youth coordinator for St. Thomas Aquinas Parish in Madison. She is a wife of 25 years and mother of five.
